The Complete Works of Artemus Ward

The Complete Works of Artemus Ward


Eyes of purest blue, lips of cherry red, teeth like pearls, silken, golden hair, and form of exquisite mould.We wonder if she is a fairy, but instantly conclude that she is not, for in measuring out a peck of onions she spills some of them; a small boy laughs at the mishap, and she indignantly shies the measure at his head.Fairies, you know, don't throw peck measures at small boys' heads.The spell was broken.The golden chain which for a moment bound us fell to pieces.We meet an eccentric individual in corduroy pantaloons and pepper-and-salt coat, who wants to know if we didn't sail out of Nantucket in 1852 in the whaling brig "Jasper Green." We are compelled to confess that the only nautical experience we ever had was to once temporarily command a canal boat on the dark-rolling Wabash, while the captain went ashore to cave in the head of a miscreant who had winked lasciviously at the sylph who superintended the culinary department on board that gallant craft.The eccentric individual smiles in a ghastly manner, says perhaps we won't lend him a dollar till tomorrow; to which we courteously reply that we CERTAINLY won't, and he glides away.

We return to our hotel, reinvigorated with the early, healthful jaunt, and bestow an imaginary purse of gold upon our African Brother, who brings us a hot and excellent breakfast.


Two female fortune-tellers recently came hither, and spread "small bills" throughout the city.Being slightly anxious, in common with a wide circle of relatives and friends, to know where we were going to, and what was to become of us, we visited both of these eminently respectable witches yesterday and had our fortune told "twict."Physicians sometimes disagree, lawyers invariably do, editors occasionally fall out, and we are pained to say that even witches unfold different tales to one individual.In describing our interviews with these singularly gifted female women, who are actually and positively here in this city, we must speak considerably of "we"--not because we flatter ourselves that we are more interesting than people in general, but because in the present case it is really necessary.In the language of Hamlet's Pa, "List, O list!"We went to see "Madame B." first.She has rooms at the Burnett House.The following is a copy of her bill:--MADAME B., THE CELEBRATED SPANISH ASTROLOGIST, CLAIRVOYANTAND FEMALE DOCTRESS, Would respectfully announce to the citizens that she has just arrived in this city, and designs remaining for a few days only.

The Madame can be consulted on all matters pertaining to life--either past, present, or future--tracing the line of life from Infancy to Old Age, particularizing each event, in regard to Business, Love, Marriage, Courtship, Losses, Law Matters, and Sickness of Relatives and Friends at a distance.

The Madame will also show her visitors a life-like representation of their Future Husbands and Wives.


Can also be selected by her, and hundreds who have consulted her have drawn capital prizes.The Madame will furnish medicine for all diseases, for grown persons (male or female) and children.

Persons wishing to consult her concerning this mysterious art and human destiny, particularly with reference to their own individual bearing in relation to a supposed Providence, can be accommodated by ROOM NO.23, BURNETT HOUSE, Corner of Prospect and Ontario streets, Cleveland.

The Madame has traveled extensively for the last few years, both in the United States and the West Indies, and the success which has attended her in all places has won for her the reputation of being the most wonderful Astrologist of the present age.

The Madame has a superior faculty for this business, having been born with a Caul on her Face, by virtue of which she can more accurately read the past, present, and future; also enabling her to cure many diseases without using drugs or medicines.The madame advertises nothing but what she can do.Call on her if you would consult the greatest Foreteller of events now living.

Hours of Consultation, from 8 9 o'clock P.M.

We urbanely informed the lady with the "Caul on her Face" that we had called to have our fortune told, and she said, "Hand out your money." This preliminary being settled, Madame B.(who is a tall, sharp-eyed, dark-featured and angular woman, dressed in painfully positive colors, and heavily loaded with gold chain and mammoth jewelry of various kinds) and Jupiter indicated powerful that we were a slim constitution, which came down on to us from our father's side.Wherein our constitution was not slim, so it came down on to us from our mother's side.

"Is this so?"

And we said it was.

Artemus Ward