The Complete Works of Artemus Ward

The Complete Works of Artemus Ward


"I prythy desist," said the gentleman; "stand aside, and see the effeck of kindness.I understand the idiosyncracies of these creeturs better than you do."With that he went up to the cage, and thrustin his face in between the iron bars, he said, soothinly, "Come hither, pretty creetur."The pretty creetur come-hithered rayther speedy, and seized the gentleman by the whiskers, which he tore off about enuff to stuff a small cushion with.

He said, "You vagabone, I'll have you indicted for exhibitin dangerous and immoral animals."I replied, "Gentle Sir, there isn't a animal here that hasn't a beautiful moral, but you mustn't fondle 'em.You mustn't meddle with their idiotsyncracies."The gentleman was a dramatic cricket, and he wrote a article for a paper, in which he said my entertainment was a decided failure.

As regards Bears, you can teach 'em to do interesting things, but they're onreliable.I had a very large grizzly bear once, who would dance, and larf, and lay down, and bow his head in grief, and give a mournful wale, etsetry.But he often annoyed me.It will be remembered that on the occasion of the first battle of Bull Run, it suddenly occurd to the Fed'ral soldiers that they had business in Washington which ought not to be neglected, and they all started for that beautiful and romantic city, maintaining a rate of speed durin the entire distance that would have done credit to the celebrated French steed "Gladiateur."Very nat'rally our Gov'ment was deeply grieved at this defeat;and I said to my Bear, shortly after, as I was givin a exhibition in Ohio--I said, "Brewin, are you not sorry the National arms has sustained a defeat?" His business was to wale dismal, and bow his head down, the band (a barrel organ and a wiolin) playin slow and melancholly moosic.What did the grizzly old cuss do, however, but commence darncin and larfin in the most joyous manner? I had a narrer escape from being imprisoned for disloyalty.

I will relate another incident in the career of this retchid Bear.I used to present what I called in the bills a Beautiful living Pictur--showing the Bear's fondness for his Master: in which I'd lay down on a piece of carpeting, and the Bear would come and lay down beside me, restin his right paw on my breast, the Band playing "Home, Sweet Home," very soft and slow.Altho'

I say it, it was a tuchin thing to see.I've seen Tax-Collectors weep over that performance.

Well, one day I said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we will show you the Bear's fondness for his master," and I went and laid down.Itho't I observed a pecooliar expression into his eyes, as he rolled clumsily to'ards me, but I didn't dream of the scene which follered.He laid down, and put his paw on my breast.

"Affection of the Bear for his Master," I repeated."You see the Monarch of the Western Wilds in a subjugated state.Fierce as these animals naturally are, we now see that they have hearts and can love.This Bear, the largest in the world, and measurin seventeen feet round the body, loves me as a mer-ther loves her che-ild!" But what was my horror when the grizzly and infamus Bear threw his other paw UNDER me, and riz with me to his feet.

Then claspin me in a close embrace he waltzed up and down the platform in a frightful manner, I yellin with fear and anguish.

To make matters wuss, a low scurrilus young man in the audiens hollered out:

"Playfulness of the Bear! Quick moosic!"I jest 'scaped with my life.The Bear met with a wiolent death the next day, by bein in the way when a hevily loaded gun was fired off by one of my men.

But you should hear my Essy which I wrote for the Social Science Meetins.It would have had a movin effeck on them.

I feel that I must now conclood.

I have read Earl Bright's speech at Leeds, and I hope we shall now hear from John Derby.I trust that not only they, but Wm.E.

Stanley and Lord Gladstone will cling inflexibly to those great fundamental principles, which they understand far better than Ido, and I will add that I do not understand anything about any of them whatever in the least--and let us all be happy, and live within our means, even if we have to borrer money to do it with.

Very respectfully yours, Artemus Ward.


MR.PUNCH, My dear Sir,--You didn't get a instructiv article from my pen last week on account of my nervus sistim havin underwent a dreffle shock.I got caught in a brief shine of sun, and it utterly upsot me.I was walkin in Regent Street one day last week, enjoyin your rich black fog and bracing rains, when all at once the Sun bust out and actooally shone for nearly half an hour steady.I acted promptly.I called a cab and told the driver to run his hoss at a friteful rate of speed to my lodgins, but it wasn't of no avale.I had orful cramps, and my appytite left me, and my pults went down to 10 degrees below zero.But by careful nussin I shall no doubt recover speedy, if the present sparklin and exileratin weather continners.

[All of the foregoin is sarcasum.]

It's a sing'lar fack, but I never sot eyes on your excellent British Mooseum till the other day.I've sent a great many peple there, as also to your genial Tower of London, however.It happened thusly: When one of my excellent countrymen jest arrived in London would come and see me, and display a inclination to cling to me too lengthy, thus showing a respect for me which I feel I do not deserve, I would sugjest a visit to the Mooseum and Tower.The Mooseum would ockepy him a day at leest, and the Tower another.Thus I've derived considerable peace and comfort from them noble edifisses, and I hope they will long continner to grace your metroplis.There's my fren Col.

Larkins, from Wisconsin, who I regret to say understands the Jamaica question, and wants to talk with me about it; I sent him to the Tower four days ago, and he hasn't got throogh with it yit.He likes it very much, and he writes me that he can't never thank me sufficient for directin him to so interestin a bildin.

Artemus Ward