Every Man in his Humour


THO. Now, God forbid: O me! now I remember, My wife drunk to me last; and changed the cup, And bade me wear this cursed suit to-day, See if God suffer murder undiscover'd!

I feel me ill; give me some mithridate, Some mithridate and oil; good sister, fetch me, Oh, I am sick at heart: I burn, I burn;If you will save my life, go fetch it me.

PROS. Oh, strange humour, my very breath hath poison'd him.

HES. Good brother, be content, what do you mean?

The strength of these extreme conceits will kill you.

BIA. Beshrew your heart-blood, brother Prospero, For putting such a toy into his head.

PROS. Is a fit simile a toy? will he be poison'd with a simile?

Brother Thorello, what a strange and vain imagination is this?

For shame to be wiser, on my soul there's no such matter.

THO. Am I not sick? how am I then not poison'd?

Am I not poison'd? how am I then so sick?

BIA. If you be sick, your own thoughts make you sick.

PROS. His jealousy is the poison he hath taken.


MUS. Signior Thorello, my master, Doctor Clement, salutes you, and desires to speak with you, with all speed possible.

THO. No time but now? Well, I'll wait upon his worship, Piso, Cob, I'll seek them out, and set them sentinels till I return. Piso, Cob, Piso [EXIT.

PROS. Musco, this is rare, but how got'est thou this apparel of the Doctor's man?

MUS. Marry sir. My youth would needs bestow the wine on me to hear some martial discourse; where I so marshall'd him, that I made him monstrous drunk, and because too much heat was the cause of his distemper, I stript him stark naked as he lay along asleep, and borrowed his suit to deliver this counterfeit message in, leaving a rusty armour and an old brown bill to watch him till my return: which shall be when I have pawn'd his apparel, and spent the money perhaps.

PROS. Well, thou art a mad knave, Musco, his absence will be a good subject for more mirth: I pray thee return to thy young master Lorenzo, and will him to meet me and Hesperida at the Friary presently: for here, tell him, the house is so stored with jealousy, that there is no room for love to stand upright in: but I'll use such means she shall come thither, and that I think will meet best with his desires: Hie thee, good Musco.

MUS. I go, sir.



THO. Ho, Piso, Cob, where are these villains, trow?

Oh, art thou there? Piso, hark thee here:

Mark what I say to thee, I must go forth;Be careful of thy promise, keep good watch, Note every gallant and observe him well, That enters in my absence to thy mistress;If she would shew him rooms, the jest is stale, Follow them, Piso, or else hang on him, And let him not go after, mark their looks;Note if she offer but to see his band, Or any other amorous toy about him, But praise his leg, or foot, or if she say, The day is hot, and bid him feel her hand, How hot it is, oh, that's a monstrous thing:

Note me all this, sweet Piso; mark their sighs, And if they do but whisper, break them off, I'll bear thee out in it: wilt thou do this?

Wilt thou be true, sweet Piso?

PIS. Most true, sir.

THO. Thanks, gentle Piso: where is Cob? Now: Cob?


BIA. He's ever calling for Cob, I wonder how he employs Cob so.

PROS. Indeed, sister, to ask how he employs Cob is a necessary question for you that are his wife, and a thing not very easy for you to be satisfied in: but this I'll assure you, Cob's wife is an excellent bawd indeed, and oftentimes your husband haunts her house, marry, to what end Icannot altogether accuse him, imagine you what you think convenient: but Ihave known fair hides have foul hearts ere now, I can tell you.

BIA. Never said you truer than that, brother! Piso, fetch your cloke, and go with me, I'll after him presently: I would to Christ I could take him there, I'faith.


PROS. So let them go: this may make sport anon, now, my fair sister Hesperida: ah, that you knew how happy a thing it were to be fair and beautiful!

HES. That toucheth not me, brother.

PROS. That's true: that's even the fault of it, for indeed beauty stands a woman in no stead, unless it procure her touching: but, sister, whether it touch you or no, it touches your beauties, and I am sure they willabide the touch, as they do not, a plague of all ceruse, say I! And it touches me too in part, though not in thee. Well, there's a dear and respected friend of mine, sister, stands very strongly affected towards you, and hath vowed to inflame whole bonfires of zeal in his heart, in honour of your perfections. I have already engaged my promise to bring you where you shall hear him confirm much more than I am able to lay down for him:

Signior Lorenzo is the man: what say you, sister; shall I intreat so much favour of you for my friend, as to direct and attend you to his meeting?

Upon my soul, he loves you extremely, approve it, sweet Hesperida, will you?